{Lights Out}

 

"God puts out our lights to keep us safe because we are never more in danger of stumbling than when

we think we know where we are going. When we can no longer see the path we are on, when we can no longer read the maps we have brought with us or sense anything in the dark that might tell us where we are, then and only then are we vulnerable to God's protection. This remains true even when we cannot discern God's presence. The only thing the dark night requires of us is to remain conscious. If we can stay with the moment in which God seems most absent, the night will do the rest."

I've been wrestling a lot with this idea of darkness while reading this book called "Learning to Walk in the Dark." The book essentially is asking me this question: How often have I run away (or tried to run away) from something I considered to be dark/scary/lonely/unknown/whatever it is that I fear most?

Kind of like the quote above says, I truly believe God has knocked my lights out this year. The biggest thing in my life has been my transition to MN and Bethel University. It's been hard, lonely, fun, challenging, unique, and so full of the love that cannot begin to explain it. It's the best thing I've done in my young life and I'm so genuinely glad that I'm here.   

The one thing I keep coming back to is the reality that I did not want this.   

I did not want God to pluck me from everything I'd ever known into something completely different, completely outside of my comfort zone, completely strange, something completely dark. 

I had a plan. I had a direction I wanted my life to go in. I had the road map and the sense that I was in control and God slapped it out of my hands and said, "This way."  

I started reading Exodus and I feel like I'm Moses (LOL no, I don't actually think I AM Moses). But I resonate with his response. In the beginning of Exodus, God has heard the groaning of His people and has called upon Moses to be the one to help rescue Israel. God appears to Moses in a burning bush and begins by explaining all that He is. He is holy, He is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, He knows the sufferings of His people, and He wants to set them free from captivity (Ex. 3: 7-10). After explaining all of that, Abraham's first response is not, "Yes, Lord, send me" or "Sweet let's do this."

After hearing directly from the God of the universe, Moses says "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?" (Ex. 3: 11) Moses, understandably in my opinion, questions God's call on his life. 

That's exactly what I did.  

God told me that I needed to move away because there was something out here for me that I needed to learn. God reminded me of His faithfulness & love throughout my life. Yet, my first response was "Who am I?" Who do I think I am? What makes me think that I could actually do this? Who do I think I am if I truly believe I could make it out there on my own? 

What I've truly come to believe is that God heard the groaning of my heart. I longed for authentic community. I longed for growth. I longed to give myself away in for something genuinely good. God has provided all of those things and so much more here at Bethel. He has surrounded me with the most loving RA community I could have ever dreamed of. He has surrounded me with residents who are so fun and light-hearted. He has surrounded me with a staff that has loved me in my hardest moments.  

Most importantly, however, God has knocked my lights out.

From something I did not want to something I can't imagine living without, God has completely knocked my lights out. He took away all sense of direction, He took away all sense of comfort, He took away all sense of my control and said "This way. Enough with the games and enough with the talk. It's time for you to really trust Me and the only way I can do that is by making all things dark."

You see, in a way I feel as if I am finally living and running on all cylinders. It is dark out here, but not always in the sense that is scary. It is dark because I have finally allowed God to take hold of my life (I'm still learning that every day and will continue to learn that all the days of my life) and take me in the direction He knows best. I am still scared, I still have questions, and I often peak out from under this darkness to try and regain some control in my life.

Moses and myself asked God, "Who am I?" In other words, "I'm scared. I don't want to do this. Can it be another way?"  

God response was, "But I am with you." And I'm slowly learning that that is enough.