Like many of us, last week felt like a particularly challenging one. On whatever side of the coin you landed on - Trump or Clinton or somewhere in between - you probably experienced some hurtful words, negative reactions, and overall heaviness. I may not know your particular story or how you arrived on your side of the coin, but I understand your heaviness. I understand the weight of feeling like your voice is not being heard (and yes, I do believe that is happening on both sides).
Last week felt heavy because I was at odds with people I really care about. I felt heavy because I experienced pain and confusion and hurt with people I love. It felt like many people in my circle of influence were either questioning, feeling misunderstood, feeling attacked, feeling devalued, feeling judged, or feeling challenged as we tried to communicate and grasp it all.
Let me tell you, it was not easy to listen last week. For someone who spends a lot of time listening, the last thing I wanted to do was seek to understand. I did not wish to empathize. I did not desire middle ground. There was no silver lining, there was no dialogue. You were wrong and I was right and that was it.
But that was wrong.
I'm sorry. For those of you that I hurt by my quick reactions, my long moments silence, and my rants, I am sorry.
I don't feel bad for feeling what I felt. It was lament and it was appropriate. I don't believe in always shoving our feelings down for the sake of keeping the peace. I don't think that's healthy and I know that leads to bitterness and contempt. I was hurting. My pain was real and my fears were valid.
At the same time, I know I was a lesser version of myself. I was not gentle, I was not kind, I did not love the other, and I sought to speak before I sought to listen. I recently learned that hurt people hurt people. In other words, if I am hurting, it's almost certain I will hurt others. That's not who I want to be.
In all seasons, but in this particular one, I want to be kinder and more understanding. I want to welcome different perspectives more than I have in the past. And I want to be gentle in a world that can sometimes feel so divisive. I really do believe in the power of sharing our stories and journeys. I believe it can build connections and bridges where there were none before. I'm mostly okay. I still have questions and some lingering hurt, but I'm mostly okay.