March 2020

What happened this month?
This month has felt like 3 years. COVID-19 has been the star of the month; bringing with it more media consumption and more anxiety than I have felt in years.

At the beginning of this month, we visited Los Angeles as part of Katie's spring break. If I'm honest, the overall feeling while being there was one of anxiety. It was at the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak (which, honestly now feels so simple). Cases were just starting to appear around the country and specifically in L.A. It's crazy to think we debated not going because there were 15 cases or so. Now an area with less than 500 feels safe.

Part of the reason it felt so anxiety-producing to be there was because of the constant attention to the virus and because we felt so close to it. At that point, there had been 0 cases in MN, which I think made us feel inherently safer. The proximity of everything in LA - people, cars, traffic, etc. - also contributed to the anxiety. It's crazy to think that we were just riding around town, stopping at shops to eat, and generally feeling like, "ah, this ain't so bad. This will go away, just give it time."

It was really fun to see my family and spend time with each of them. Even though I was ready to go by the end of the week, I was still sad to go (per usual). I love my family. I love spending time with them and getting the chance to settle into what feels like a "normal" time at home. I know my family is harder for Katie, but I appreciate the time we get to spend.

Once we got back things really seemed to kick into gear. COVID cases started going up, cities started to shut down, and life got very full here at Bethel. We planned and planned and planned for all students to move out of housing. I was on the phone way too much and in the office way too late. I was stressed and constantly thinking and making quick decisions. Professionally speaking, I was very impressed with myself and others saw that too. I know I can be the type of leader and worker who makes quick decisions and this entire process really brought that out. I worked really well in tandem with Jim, Jodie, Miranda, Alicia, and Dr. Washington. I felt like my input was heard and that I added value to the conversations we were having. If there was ever a doubt in me about leading through uncertain and rapidly changing times, I think I dispelled some of that over the last two weeks. It's hard to believe it's only been two weeks. Again, it feels like 3 years.

The hardest thing for me has been being thrust into a new "normal" where absolutely nothing feels as it should be. I sense a loss of security. A loss of routine and habits. A loss of motivation. Those lost spaces have been filled with anxiousness and worry. I worry about the people I love and care about in Los Angeles. I worry they'll get it. I worry the city will not be able to control it. I worry that too many people are not taking it seriously. I worry and worry and worry.

When it comes down to it, the truth is I am scared. I'm scared for my family, friends, and what this virus is doing to all of us mentally and emotionally. I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could be "stronger." But this is what I've got right now.

I recently heard a saying on the radio that has, at a minimum, given me a second to pause and breathe. The saying is this:

This will be okay or this will pass. 

The idea is simple: COVID-19 and the numbers, the deaths, the fear, and the worry - it will be okay and maybe not as bad as every.single.article seems to be predicting. 

Or

Things will be heard for a while. People will be hurt and sad and worried and challenged. AND it will come to pass. 

I will never again take for granted a high five, toilet paper, sporting events, handshakes, and much, much more. 

May we be kinder friends, more community-minded people, patient neighbors, and humble learners in the coming weeks and months.

January 2020

What happened this month?

The new year is off to an okay start. We started off the year in California with my family. Unfortunately, there were times where it felt like a lot to be there. Sometimes it feels like we just exist there and there's not a lot of intentionality. My family doesn't do the best at asking us questions or getting some of our thoughts. Honestly, I sometimes shut off my emotions when I go home in order to avoid being hurt or exposed. Still, I always appreciate the time there. I love seeing my grandma, brother, mom, and dad. I love seeing my college friends and just imagining what life could look like if I was there with them. 

I think I get stuck in the idea of "what could be." What would it be like if I was in LA? Who would my friends be? What would our community be? Would we love it? Or would we hate it? Answers I cannot know right now. I dream of life in Southern California while I equally try to enjoy life here. 

This month felt fairly normal overall. After returning from LA we settled back into life at Bethel. I'm proud of some of the changes I've helped implement for Residence Life. I feel like I'm leading well, trying new things, and mostly landing well with the team. 

What did you notice in yourself this month?

I noticed I was a little more anxious overall. I have felt worried about money for most of my life, but that was definitely at the forefront of my mind this month. I just want to be okay financially, but I don't know what is going to help me feel that. Will it be when student loans are paid? When Katie starts working? When my grandma's house is paid? I'm not 100% sure. I worry about my family, specifically my mom, when it comes to money. I want her to be okay and she generally is. The thing that hangs over my head, I guess, is the house. I don't want to lose it. I don't want my mom to be displaced. I want to figure out how to keep it, but I feel like I can't quite start that conversation until Katie starts working. 

I noticed I was anxious about "what's next." I feel like I've been thinking about for over two years now, but it was more present. I've begun researching Baylor University's Ph.D. in Higher Education program and I currently feel strongly about that school. I love the blend of private Christian, yet well respected academically. I love that it's fully funded and sounds really supportive. I love that they're growing, it seems. The only thing I don't love is the unexpected move to Texas. It's certainly not a place I ever considered living. I don't love that it puts us 5 years into a different community, which also means an additional 5 years not in Los Angeles or Minnesota. It could be really good for us, but it could also be quite challenging. 

When I ask myself why I want to do a Ph.D. program, part of my completely honest answer is that I desire the prestige. Is that bad? Probably a bit. But I love the idea of climbing that academic ladder, becoming an "expert" in something, and being able to look back on my life someday and be proud of the academic accomplishments I've had. I also know, however, that this cannot just be for me. What do I want my life to be about? I want to impact students. I want to help students who look like me to believe they can be something someday. I want to figure out how to be part of the solution for Christian Higher Education, and for Higher Ed in general. I feel passionate about the idea that Higher Education can be part of what helps people get out of poverty, exposed to new ideas, and helps create a better life. I want to be able to hold onto this idea as I continue to consider "what's next."

The last thing I noticed about myself was this motivation to exercise. I genuinely want to do it. Sure, sometimes it's a little more of a pain in the ass to do it and I'd rather not. But I know the feeling of not exercising and feeling like a sloth and I do not want that. I feel motivated. I'm feeling pretty okay about myself. I'm excited to see if I can actually continue this streak. I hope so. 

What are you celebrating this month?

I'm celebrating that my brother got a job with the Dodgers. I'm so very proud of him and, quite honestly, relieved. He needed this break and I'm so glad he got it. I think he'll feel motivated at work, motivated about himself personally, and finally be proud to say, "this is what I do." I didn't know it at the moment, but I was feeling really anxious for him to get that job and I'm so glad he did! 

I'm celebrating that finances are coming to the forefront of my mind. Yes, it makes me anxious and worried, but I like that I'm actually thinking about it and trying to make a plan. I feel like I've done a decent job with managing our money the last year or so and I want to continue that. 

Lastly, I'm celebrating Katie and I. I think it's been a little bit of an odd month for us, relationally, Sometimes we have been more disconnected than at other times. But I feel like we are coming along in really knowing each other and being able to communicate honestly. 

Next month I...

• Want to continue to see myself progress in exercising. 
• Want to continue to read daily/weekly. That really helps me.
• Want to continue researching and processing what we want our lives to look like in 1.5 years. 
• Want to find time to reflect and be present. This journal entry has been super helpful. I feel a weight a little bit lifted off of me after writing, which I suppose is the point of this.

Until next time. 

- G